Post by Boinciel on Oct 7, 2006 0:25:05 GMT 10
Plenty of laughs and gore to keep you entertained. I wrote this for a school assignment.
Star Wars Rip-offs And Other Things
A Short Story By Boinciel
Prologue
Once, in an ancient past, there was a great ninja. This ninja was cloaked in darkness, shadows followed his every step, and he carried a long, thin, curved sword on his back. Legions of his people followed his example of shadowiness, and took it onto themselves to serve the powerful master of the ancient arts.
In the land to the west of the ninja’s, trouble was stirring. An alliance of evil Jar-Jar Binkses, driven mad by the inane visions of their patron god, began to rise. In the land to the east, a great army of Timmys began their conquest. Sandwiched between the two mortal enemies, the ninja’s people were ensured destruction.
But, the ninja had a plan. A devious plan. A perfect plan. A plan that could change the world for the better, or destroy it. What follows is the hilarious result of trying to follow that plan…
Part I: A New War
The great horn sounded. The Jar-Jars were coming! Barricades were set up, but to no avail. The Jar-Jar Alliance plowed through the barriers with a terrifying force. Explosions echoed throughout the great kingdom, followed by screams of utter terror and pain. But lo and behold, the ninja stood on top of a roof! As the Jar-Jars passed underneath, he slid his sword from his sheath and leaped into battle with his sword arm extended.
The Jar-Jar standard holder never saw it coming. With a thump, some of the Jar-Jars saw the flag on the ground, stained with blood, and it dawned on them. However, they never got the chance to cry out. Some were smart and whipped out their shields, but most in the small area surrounding the flag holder were killed on the spot. The real fight had begun.
The ninja, seeing his plan to startle the army had failed, ran back up the side of the building. But, his ninja footwear was soaked in blood, and he fell down towards the ground in the middle of the Jar-Jar Alliance. He twisted his body to land where the impact would hurt the least. The Jar-Jars drew their weapons of mass repulsion, and fired! A hail of unknown substances flew at the ninja! Although most missed him, one chunk grazed his arm and made it numb! He cringed as he hit the ground, turning to face the Jar-Jar Binkses. Sword in hand, he lunged forth once more.
Part II: The Timmys Strike Back
Meanwhile, in the other side of the kingdom, a great wooden rocking horse was wheeled in. What the people bringing it in didn’t know was that the inside held many weapons of mass annoyance. These weapons would be used for evil before much time had passed. The gaze of the people on the eastern side watched the horse with wonder as slave laborers pulled it in. Unfortunately the exact same stunt with the wooden horse had been pulled in Troy by the Greeks. Nobody knew of it because studying the history of other countries was unfashionable at the time.
Unknowing of the war on the west side, the people in the east took it upon themselves to erect a great stand for the horse, and display it prominently in the center of the city. Before they could get one hammer, the Eastern Gates were blown open. A stream of freckled Timmys burst through, wearing the oddest war uniform you could imagine. Blue pants, a green shirt with a ‘T’ on the front, and no armour to speak of made the Timmy Army the laughingstock of the International Army Association. They swore revenge, but were laughed at all the way. Laughed at, that is, until they started conquering the laughing territories.
The Timmys were armed with all manner of annoying weapons. Slingshots, BB guns, kamikaze death packs, and skateboards all made the defeat of opposing civilizations all the more humiliating as they fell, one by one. As the bloodthirsty army charged towards the center of the kingdom, time seemed to slow down. Everyone pushed out of the way seemed to fall for an eternity, and then were trampled underfoot. Nobody in the army’s path ever lived to tell of what they did to victims, but it’s pretty clear from the end result of the army passing through. The Timmy Leader saw something at the center fountain, something that would become honoured throughout all history as the funniest misfortune ever to happen…
Part III: The Return Of The Ninja
With terrifying force, the ninja lunged forward and decapitated another Jar-Jar Binks. The dead body slumped to the ground, blood oozing from the neck. Without a thought, the ninja sliced through the air in a circle, taking the lives of many Jar-Jars as he did. There was just no end to the fiends! Time and time again, he lunged, sliced, and severed, but to no avail. They just kept coming! He saw an opening in the ranks, and charged. Dozens of dead Jar-Jars lay at his feet when he stopped. It was no use. They surrounded him once again. He took a look at his surroundings. There was a giant cannon on top of a building, and it could wipe out a large amount of Jar-Jars in one blast! Decisively, he took the quick and easy way of jumping upwards into the turret! Unfortunately he didn’t take wind speed into consideration, and he smashed his head on the underside of the cannon. He fell, headfirst, into a garbage can at the bottom.
There are many names for superheroes. The Flash, Sonic The Hedgehog, and Superman are some examples. These names usually have something to do with the power given to them. Unfortunately, not all powers are good. Getting your head stuck in a garbage can, for one, is not the kind of power you want. Unfortunately, some people who have a tendency to jump high into the air have this problem a lot. For evermore, Captain Trashcan would be the primary nickname of ‘The Ninja Who Couldn’t.’ As Captain Trashcan tried to stand up, he fell over with the garbage can on his head. At once, all the Jar-Jars and Timmys started laughing. The Garbage Ninja tried to pull the can off, but it was so badly dented, it would never be removed from his head. Instead, he drew his sword and sliced eyeholes in the can. Now he had the power of vision. He formulated a plan, and executed it by pointing at the Timmys and shouting “TIMMY ALERT!” The Jar-Jars stopped laughing and saw the Timmy Army drawing their weapons and firing.
A barrage of small stones, BB bullets, and explosives bombarded the Jar-Jars. They retaliated with their weapons of minimum destruction! Caught in a hail of powerful and useless weapons, Captain Trashcan tried once more to reach the turret. This time, he aimed to the left. He cleared the building… and fell down on the other side with a loud CLANG! The war was once again interrupted by rising laughter, but with several piercing screams of pain from both sides. Fuming mad, the Garbage Ninja stomped into the building and saw, to his left, a perfectly good elevator. He got in, pressed the “Roof” button, and continually banged his head against the side of the rising box.
Part IV: The Double Menace
With a ding muffled by assorted banging noises, Captain Trashcan stepped out of the elevator. It was chaos below. Soldier turned on allied soldier in a frenzied bloodfest. It can’t hurt to speed up the war, can it? Thought the ninja with a grin. He leaped into the giant war machine and took aim at the center of the great battle. Staring at every part of the machine, his eyes locked on a shiny red button. A single push would be all it would take to wipe out the majority of the armies. Sure, the shockwave would disturb the city and possibly cause seismic activity, but what did it matter? All’s fair in love and war. He leaned forward, strapped himself in, and pressed the button.
Nothing happened for one, two, three seconds. Then, a lazy spark traveled out of the tube. The entire war seemed to freeze. What did this spark have to do with the war? What did it have to do with the annihilation of most of the combatants? The spark traveled, slowed, and landed in the center of the crosshairs. Then the fun began.
A giant rainbow-coloured beam of insane power blasted out of the end of the cannon. Mach one, two, three, four, five… And then it was over as quickly as it had started. Nothing was left of the middle of the war but a gigantic, smoking crater. It sure was deep. An orange glow seemed to come out of the darkness. All the remaining combatants, save two, bent over the edge to take a look. The glow seemed to be getting brighter… But it wasn’t just a glow. With horror, most of the combatants tried to step back, but it was too late.
Part V: The Disaster Wars
Magma spewed upwards in a great column of fire. There was no escape from the searing heat. The lava engulfed the warriors, scorching their lifeless bodies and melting the bones. Once reaching maximum height, the lava broke off in droplets and fell upon the kingdom, burning sections of it at a time. The people screamed as they were horribly burnt in various ways. The buildings melted into ash. Captain Trashcan, who surprisingly survived, disengaged the locking base mechanism and fired once more to launch himself away. He landed on a faraway island, and was roasted alive by the tribesmen. Now with two fountains of lava, the city was utterly without hope of surviving. The lava flowed far and wide, and destroyed the surrounding territories as well. Everyone in those territories was either killed by the lava or by the unexpected tornadoes that hit right after, picking up the lava and turning into fiery death. There was no more civilization in those parts for a thousand years.
Epilogue: Revenge Of The Jar-Jar
Crawling out from under the debris, the profusely bleeding lone Jar-Jar Binks drew a flag and planted it on top of a mound of rubble.
“I claim… this… territory… for the… Gungan… Empire…” and then the last Jar-Jar died of his wounds.
Hope you like it!
Star Wars Rip-offs And Other Things
A Short Story By Boinciel
Prologue
Once, in an ancient past, there was a great ninja. This ninja was cloaked in darkness, shadows followed his every step, and he carried a long, thin, curved sword on his back. Legions of his people followed his example of shadowiness, and took it onto themselves to serve the powerful master of the ancient arts.
In the land to the west of the ninja’s, trouble was stirring. An alliance of evil Jar-Jar Binkses, driven mad by the inane visions of their patron god, began to rise. In the land to the east, a great army of Timmys began their conquest. Sandwiched between the two mortal enemies, the ninja’s people were ensured destruction.
But, the ninja had a plan. A devious plan. A perfect plan. A plan that could change the world for the better, or destroy it. What follows is the hilarious result of trying to follow that plan…
Part I: A New War
The great horn sounded. The Jar-Jars were coming! Barricades were set up, but to no avail. The Jar-Jar Alliance plowed through the barriers with a terrifying force. Explosions echoed throughout the great kingdom, followed by screams of utter terror and pain. But lo and behold, the ninja stood on top of a roof! As the Jar-Jars passed underneath, he slid his sword from his sheath and leaped into battle with his sword arm extended.
The Jar-Jar standard holder never saw it coming. With a thump, some of the Jar-Jars saw the flag on the ground, stained with blood, and it dawned on them. However, they never got the chance to cry out. Some were smart and whipped out their shields, but most in the small area surrounding the flag holder were killed on the spot. The real fight had begun.
The ninja, seeing his plan to startle the army had failed, ran back up the side of the building. But, his ninja footwear was soaked in blood, and he fell down towards the ground in the middle of the Jar-Jar Alliance. He twisted his body to land where the impact would hurt the least. The Jar-Jars drew their weapons of mass repulsion, and fired! A hail of unknown substances flew at the ninja! Although most missed him, one chunk grazed his arm and made it numb! He cringed as he hit the ground, turning to face the Jar-Jar Binkses. Sword in hand, he lunged forth once more.
Part II: The Timmys Strike Back
Meanwhile, in the other side of the kingdom, a great wooden rocking horse was wheeled in. What the people bringing it in didn’t know was that the inside held many weapons of mass annoyance. These weapons would be used for evil before much time had passed. The gaze of the people on the eastern side watched the horse with wonder as slave laborers pulled it in. Unfortunately the exact same stunt with the wooden horse had been pulled in Troy by the Greeks. Nobody knew of it because studying the history of other countries was unfashionable at the time.
Unknowing of the war on the west side, the people in the east took it upon themselves to erect a great stand for the horse, and display it prominently in the center of the city. Before they could get one hammer, the Eastern Gates were blown open. A stream of freckled Timmys burst through, wearing the oddest war uniform you could imagine. Blue pants, a green shirt with a ‘T’ on the front, and no armour to speak of made the Timmy Army the laughingstock of the International Army Association. They swore revenge, but were laughed at all the way. Laughed at, that is, until they started conquering the laughing territories.
The Timmys were armed with all manner of annoying weapons. Slingshots, BB guns, kamikaze death packs, and skateboards all made the defeat of opposing civilizations all the more humiliating as they fell, one by one. As the bloodthirsty army charged towards the center of the kingdom, time seemed to slow down. Everyone pushed out of the way seemed to fall for an eternity, and then were trampled underfoot. Nobody in the army’s path ever lived to tell of what they did to victims, but it’s pretty clear from the end result of the army passing through. The Timmy Leader saw something at the center fountain, something that would become honoured throughout all history as the funniest misfortune ever to happen…
Part III: The Return Of The Ninja
With terrifying force, the ninja lunged forward and decapitated another Jar-Jar Binks. The dead body slumped to the ground, blood oozing from the neck. Without a thought, the ninja sliced through the air in a circle, taking the lives of many Jar-Jars as he did. There was just no end to the fiends! Time and time again, he lunged, sliced, and severed, but to no avail. They just kept coming! He saw an opening in the ranks, and charged. Dozens of dead Jar-Jars lay at his feet when he stopped. It was no use. They surrounded him once again. He took a look at his surroundings. There was a giant cannon on top of a building, and it could wipe out a large amount of Jar-Jars in one blast! Decisively, he took the quick and easy way of jumping upwards into the turret! Unfortunately he didn’t take wind speed into consideration, and he smashed his head on the underside of the cannon. He fell, headfirst, into a garbage can at the bottom.
There are many names for superheroes. The Flash, Sonic The Hedgehog, and Superman are some examples. These names usually have something to do with the power given to them. Unfortunately, not all powers are good. Getting your head stuck in a garbage can, for one, is not the kind of power you want. Unfortunately, some people who have a tendency to jump high into the air have this problem a lot. For evermore, Captain Trashcan would be the primary nickname of ‘The Ninja Who Couldn’t.’ As Captain Trashcan tried to stand up, he fell over with the garbage can on his head. At once, all the Jar-Jars and Timmys started laughing. The Garbage Ninja tried to pull the can off, but it was so badly dented, it would never be removed from his head. Instead, he drew his sword and sliced eyeholes in the can. Now he had the power of vision. He formulated a plan, and executed it by pointing at the Timmys and shouting “TIMMY ALERT!” The Jar-Jars stopped laughing and saw the Timmy Army drawing their weapons and firing.
A barrage of small stones, BB bullets, and explosives bombarded the Jar-Jars. They retaliated with their weapons of minimum destruction! Caught in a hail of powerful and useless weapons, Captain Trashcan tried once more to reach the turret. This time, he aimed to the left. He cleared the building… and fell down on the other side with a loud CLANG! The war was once again interrupted by rising laughter, but with several piercing screams of pain from both sides. Fuming mad, the Garbage Ninja stomped into the building and saw, to his left, a perfectly good elevator. He got in, pressed the “Roof” button, and continually banged his head against the side of the rising box.
Part IV: The Double Menace
With a ding muffled by assorted banging noises, Captain Trashcan stepped out of the elevator. It was chaos below. Soldier turned on allied soldier in a frenzied bloodfest. It can’t hurt to speed up the war, can it? Thought the ninja with a grin. He leaped into the giant war machine and took aim at the center of the great battle. Staring at every part of the machine, his eyes locked on a shiny red button. A single push would be all it would take to wipe out the majority of the armies. Sure, the shockwave would disturb the city and possibly cause seismic activity, but what did it matter? All’s fair in love and war. He leaned forward, strapped himself in, and pressed the button.
Nothing happened for one, two, three seconds. Then, a lazy spark traveled out of the tube. The entire war seemed to freeze. What did this spark have to do with the war? What did it have to do with the annihilation of most of the combatants? The spark traveled, slowed, and landed in the center of the crosshairs. Then the fun began.
A giant rainbow-coloured beam of insane power blasted out of the end of the cannon. Mach one, two, three, four, five… And then it was over as quickly as it had started. Nothing was left of the middle of the war but a gigantic, smoking crater. It sure was deep. An orange glow seemed to come out of the darkness. All the remaining combatants, save two, bent over the edge to take a look. The glow seemed to be getting brighter… But it wasn’t just a glow. With horror, most of the combatants tried to step back, but it was too late.
Part V: The Disaster Wars
Magma spewed upwards in a great column of fire. There was no escape from the searing heat. The lava engulfed the warriors, scorching their lifeless bodies and melting the bones. Once reaching maximum height, the lava broke off in droplets and fell upon the kingdom, burning sections of it at a time. The people screamed as they were horribly burnt in various ways. The buildings melted into ash. Captain Trashcan, who surprisingly survived, disengaged the locking base mechanism and fired once more to launch himself away. He landed on a faraway island, and was roasted alive by the tribesmen. Now with two fountains of lava, the city was utterly without hope of surviving. The lava flowed far and wide, and destroyed the surrounding territories as well. Everyone in those territories was either killed by the lava or by the unexpected tornadoes that hit right after, picking up the lava and turning into fiery death. There was no more civilization in those parts for a thousand years.
Epilogue: Revenge Of The Jar-Jar
Crawling out from under the debris, the profusely bleeding lone Jar-Jar Binks drew a flag and planted it on top of a mound of rubble.
“I claim… this… territory… for the… Gungan… Empire…” and then the last Jar-Jar died of his wounds.
Hope you like it!
