story beginning

[Daniel]

i made a story, this is part 1, enjoy:
edit:ive added a better beiginning
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I HAD A MISSION ON THE ARK, HERES MY STORY:

I was in a small ship, heading for the ARK, it was under attack, so i needed to get to it to turn the defences on, if i dident, the ARK will plummet into earth and cause doomsday.
I landed on a platform, it was twisting, luckily i had spiky boots on, so i could keep grip to the platform.
"so this is the ARK huh?" i said "looks like it hasent been inhabited for a while now"
"*bzzzt* because it has been abandond" said mighty, a chaotix member."be careful, and i packed you some health units"
I opend up my back pack, and guess what, mighty packed chocolate bars in my health pack, no wonder mighty got fired by sega.
I made it to the control room, and there was a keyboard, and a massive screen.
I sat down and tried 10 passwords from a list i found saying:passes for A.R.K.
I tried quite a phew, none worked
"why does the ARKS defense have to be so hard to hack?"i said as i kept typing in passwords.
the chaotix had gave me a list of passwords to access the ARKS defenses.
none of them worked.
"aw, hell with this" i said, and i smashed my fist down on the keyboard.
Then i heard the defenses start up, it had worked, then the screen in front of me buzzed.
A video started to play of a project named p1296, it was a bat, kinda cyborg.
"HM, so there is a living thing here, i need to find it." i said as i started to walk away.
bang! boom!, a massive flame appeared on the ark.
one of the defenses was faulty, so the attack could get through!
"Daniel, the ARK is breaking apart!"shouted vector from my watch.
"go to the other side of the ark, we are in the hanger bay,good luck"
"OK then, i need to find that bat then get off this flaming piece of junk!"i said, then i ran into a tunnel,i needed to find the bat and...
hopefully make it back to earth.

end of part 1
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enjoyed it so far? ;D

[Kage Samer '91]

ABCDEFG, capital letters 123.

AKA: You fail at capital letters.

[Daniel]

i dont want you to reveiw how i wrote it, just reveiw the story.

[Kage Samer '91]

Okay the story was: Written with really bad grammar.

[Neo // Racing Stripe A/V]

...
Putting what Kage wrote aside, it happens a bit too fast. It feels like I'm reading the middle of the story.

[Daniel]

kage said:

Okay the story was: Written with really bad grammar.

that doesent have anything to do with the story!

[Neo // Racing Stripe A/V]

What Kage wrote?
Anyway, it does look like you've missed a lot out from the start. It's like all of a sudden "OMG I@M IN TEH ARK SDFKJESIFE"

And before anyone starts going "OMG NEO=SHADOWSONIC" just because I gave a constructive comment on a story written by someone which I'll admit, doesn't use proper grammar that well, DON'T.

[Monty Eggman]

danju148 said:

enjoyed it so far? ;D

Nope. Not at all. It's not even good enough for an MST fan-fic.

[Demonfox]

danju148 said:

kage said:

Okay the story was: Written with really bad grammar.

that doesent have anything to do with the story!

But it has to do with everything else. People would rather read a well typed fan-fic, with a cheesy storyline, that a spelling error filled fan fic, but well made story.

[Daniel]

iv edited it for neotails sake.
and for everyone elses sake.

[Monty Eggman]

Ok, it's a little better...not amazing, but better.

[Max Füchs-Kojote]

A = Capitalised

a = Uncapitalised.

You start each SENTENCE with a CAPITAL.

A sentence is ended by a period, an exclamation mark or a question mark.

When used to refer to oneself, the letter 'i' should always be capitalised.

In dialogue, you should end with either a full stop or a comma before the closing quotation marks.

Try putting it in MS Word.

Proper nouns start with capitals. Proper nouns are the names of places or people (people includes companies). "Nintendo" instead of "nintendo".

When you have shortened a word, an apostrophe should appear, "hasn't" instead of "hasnt" or "hasent".

When you are referring to the possession of something, an apostrophe should also be used, "ARK's" instead of "ARKS".

I'm not bothering with the rest.

-

Is this a full chapter? If it is, you fail, bad. A chapter should be MUCH longer than this.

Also, is it just me or is your character the male incarnation of a Mary Sue?

[Oberstleutnant Insipid]

I was in a small ship, heading for the ARK, it was under attack, so i needed to get to it to turn the defences on, if i dident, the ARK will plummet into earth and cause doomsday.

OH JOY I'M GOING TO BE CAUSED!

[Fiery]

Danju, are you determined to try and fail at everything possible here? Wasn't good enough that you mutilated our eyes with that poorly textured piece of crap before, was it? Now we need to have our hopes and dreams for the eventual revival of ENGLISH on the internet smashed to bits?

Can you find something you don't fail at? Please?

[ShardNet]

Other than a complete disregard for grammar, I did notice something odd. Where the hell did you come up with a list titled "Passwords for the ARK", where none of the passwords actually did anything and all you needed to do to get through security was bang your fist against the keyboard?